12.31.2018, before I went to church for a new years celebration at a church I didn’t know would be my home before my home. A stranger asked me: girl you just a smiling. Why are you so happy going into a New Year full of “unknown”?
I replied, baby girl my GOD is ” known” above ALL unknown, I will have no fear as he began to shift me into this new year. It took me a while to accept the fact that I really am not and will not be the same person I used to be. I no longer wanted to give him a piece, half, or a little of me when i felt like it. I wanted him to have ALL of me because he has NEVER left me no matter the times I astrayed. He deserved my all being that my life was not my own anyway. Things I used to tolerate became intolerable. With no new standards for others ONLY ME this time, so my goals for a higher purpose was being shifted within me for a craving of a love, i had all along but tried to force from a human instead. I used to remain quiet but now my heart is speaking my truth through my writing instead of tears.
In areas, I used to battle and argue, I no longer wanted the headaches, sleeplessness, not the back & forth. Instead, i craved for peace and love with the hope of embracing forgiveness. I craved humbleness instead of pain, and it made me silence at times.
Even when i wanted to burst like a cherry on a hot sidewalk in on a 104° heated day. Lol! But it was perceived as inconsistency through my changes. But now that i have accepted my shifting, my humbleness speaks consistency from a “child of God seeking higher purpose” boldly.
I am beginning to understand the value of my voice & his supplied resource by asking! Meaning there were situations that will no longer deserve my energy, time, or my tongue but will definitely deserve my silence instead.
I finally wanted to prove to people that I am who I am, and nor do I have to convince them that I am right because God is my vindicator. Long as he knows how to get their attention and change their mind to see me for ME, instead of me acting on my own.
My pain has been apart of my CHANGE and GROWTH. My patience was apart of my understanding of life lessons. Now that i look back it made sense!
“WHO ELSE WOULD I SERVE? WHO ELSE WOULD I HAVE AS MY GOD!?!”
I had a love at the darkest time of my life, but as it became better, I astrayed, got distracted, and paid attention to the earthly things and my surroundings instead of HIM! ☝
@12midnight I had no resolution. I promised God that I shall be committed to my fasting and praying during my JBC Consecration for this 2019 “21 days to Spiritual Renewal”. 🙌 I MEANT IT, NOT KNOWING the changes that would come with it, but I TRUSTED HIM!
During these 21 days, God has empowered me like never before with life experiences that he entrusted me to share, even some of my intimate moments at this vulnerable time.
This fast was more than abstaining from food; it was an act on my half for flesh control for a higher purpose. Matthew 6: 16-18
My fasting produced humility like no other. ROMANS 8:6
I had to let go of my pride and confess with my mouth, that “I needed Jesus.” I needed my God. And it broke my pride to confess boldly and not be ashamed!
Not only did I need to rid my flesh. *Hebrews 12:11* But I needed more clarity on my purpose in life and understanding as to why my God was calling on me persistently over the years. Even though i had yet to accept my calling and purpose fully with my flesh in the way, I needed me- my flesh gets behind there and lets his spirit lead me instead. I needed to be sensitive in spirit if i was gonna receive the answers I was looking for!
I craved/ needed to hear his voice over everyone and the chaos that was going on in my life. ACTS 13:2-3. Even the chaos I knew would occur after I gave him complete control over my life during my fasting and praying!
I needed his power to withstand any enemy, bad habits, or temptation. LUKE 4:14. For my flesh had gotten so weak, I’d easily give in. And that disappointment in myself pushed me harder to stay committed.
I needed my faith to be lifted and strengthened in order to move out ONLY on his word and not my own understanding. *ROMANS 1:18*.
For I so desperately needed this preparation and guidance for what I already believed God was going to do for me in the new year, but NOT HOW! So my fasting and praying began MATTHEW 7:24-27
With a healthier lifestyle from toxins, for a healthier body!
Most importantly I wanted God to undo the heavy burdens and let little ole oppressed me go boldLy and FREE! I needed my chains released and I released from ME! I WANTED TO BE AND FEEL MY FREEDOM!!
“Those who become Christians become new persons. They are NOT the same anymore for the old life is gone. A new life has begun.
My identity shall be in God, not what people say about me. I am his daughter because i now belong to him.☝ I am more than my past, my mistakes, or my regrets. I am me and will never be ashamed of how I got to be the woman he intended for me to be!
During my 21 days of fasting and praying, I experienced many hardships due to me losing my job to transfer my children to a new school. Them losing my home and my children had nowhere to go, with no family nearby. And unlike any other “fresh” man when he sees a vulnerable woman with two kids, he mad a pass at me kissing me forcibly with NO permission. In hopes, we could stay in the home. Noooo, we had to go. Here are your key and MY furniture that i had no means to getting out. But my kids and I left with only our clothes and their Christmas stuff! I was happy they were at school when it happened but I felt unsecured as if he did have the key and could come in anytime he wanted. Nope, not I! I felt unsafe and for my kids as well. What a landlord!
Neighbors started to walk over and take things when I wasn’t there. And after giving a neighbor my washer and dryer, he took EVERYTHING in it as well. My children and I uniforms for school and a new job that just through my New adopted mom has helped me find. Thinking that he would be kid of enough to pick it up while i was there and leave the items inside. Instead, he took ALL and the Clothes inside and left us with nothing. So much for being nice! 🙍Lord WHAT! Why wouldn’t he had at least picked it up while I was there or took our belongings out! I told and comforted my kids that we shall recoup everything 3xs back brand new! I’m still shocked, Lord the clothes and ALL!
STILL did not break us! We kept pushing!
YES, we were and we made it by his grace! Y’all wouldn’t me understand my praise!! 🙌